The opinions expressed in this post are not necessarily fair and may not necessarily reflect reality. They are reflective of how I felt at the time of writing and may not reflect my mindset in a calmer time.

Now that I have that out of the way...

Maitresse and I have split.

Recently Maitresse told me she was interested in polyamory. It didn't bother me. I felt ok about being in a relationship with someone who was not devoted solely to me. In fact, given the relaxed nature of our relationship and the fact that we live in different cities, it seemed to fit pretty well with what I wanted and what I could manage.

I was prompted to do some reading about polyamory though. It emphasised the importance of being happy on one's own (which I have spent a long learning to do) and of communicating. Now communicating is tougher for me at times (as it is for everyone I suspect) so I sought to express a couple of things that were of concern to me.

One thing was the fact that we haven't played much recently. There was some playing at the Kinky Farm in October, and on many occasions I would take of her shoes and rub her feet after a kinky night out (we did this on Friday in fact.) She had also developed a new rule whereby I was not to take off any of my clothing unless she instructed me to do so (another thing we did on Friday after returning from RnR.) This was perfectly enjoyable, but there was nothing physically or emotionally intense. Nothing taxed me or challenged me or pushed me to the limit. I was quite keen to step things up in this area and planned to say so.

Another factor was the level of affection in our relationship. Now I'm not consumed by sexual desire 24 hours a day. Orgasm denial is pretty pointless on me as I am perfectly capable of subjecting myself to it, but even if we aren't constantly at it I do still expect a level of physical intimacy. Luckily, this physical intimacy was generally a feature of our relationship.

And so I turned up to RnR. When she arrived I went to kiss her but she turned her head and allowed me to kiss her on the cheek. I generally don't like to assume the worst (i.e. that things like this are a deliberate slight) so I assumed that there was some other innocent explanation. Still, the incident did make part of me feel as though she felt nothing more for me than she felt for everyone else she met there.

Shortly thereafter she mentioned in passing that she didn't plan on doing any playing with me that night. Again, I wasn't bothered about this in itself. At the Under the Blue Moon ball she had played with others and at RnR she played a bit. On both of these occasions I didn't mind seeing her play with others. I saw how much she enjoyed it and I was happy for her without being consumed by pangs of jealousy.

All the same, it did remind me that we hadn't done anything nearly as intense. I felt as though she was happy to play with other people but that she wasn't all that fussed about whether she played with me or not.

Through the course of the evening she barely spoke to me, and whilst it wasn't any kind of nasty cold shoulder treatment, it did not go unnoticed. I had spent part of the evening speaking to friends and making new friends, but on more than one occasion I excused myself from conversations to check on how she was doing. She didn't return the favour. When our group was leaving, it was Miss Lis who tracked me down to tell me.

Some of my poly reading from Saturday evening pointed out that a non poly partner can feel undervalued or neglected, and that got me thinking about the events at RnR. I felt as though I was not a priority for her that night, and that I deserved to be a priority. Not her sole priority by any means. I fully accept that she will have relationships with others and that they might be able to fulfil some of her needs that I can't. But I still need to feel appreciated and valued. If I am going to call someone Maitresse, it seems reasonable that we might play now and then. If I am going to an event with someone who says she is in a relationship with me, I don't expect that she will spend the whole evening at my side, but I do expect her to spend some time with me. I certainly think I have the right to expect she might kiss me when we meet.

Neither the lack of kinky play nor the lack of intimacy on the evening were consuming me with angst, but I was conscious of them, and I thought that being involved with someone who was entering the world of polyamory would make me more sensitive to being neglected. I thought it would be best to raise them in a calm way. I thought the subject was worth a blog post, but I contacted her to tell her what was coming. I thought it would be best if she heard it from me directly so we could possibly work something out before it went public.

And so in a rest area near Marulan during a break on the drive back to Canberra I rang and started explaining about how I felt neglected, but she cut in to say that I clearly wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship, and that I would be better off with someone committed to monogamy, someone who could be relied upon to be dominant, and someone who was more interested in entering into a traditional serious relationship. This upset me. To be lectured on what I need in a relationship pissed me off to be perfectly frank. It's not as though I hadn't given the issue any thought, and I felt as thought I was being treated as an emotional retard who was incapable of making intelligent decisions for himself. I was happy being in a limited relationship that was not intended to progress into something long term or permanent. I had reconciled myself to it, and I was capable or having this kind of relationship so long as she valued me and returned the sense of care and affection that I had for her.

The problem is, either she can't or she won't. At this moment I'm not sure which one it is.

In the end, she may be right. Maybe I wasn't going to get what I needed out of the relationship, but it wasn't because she was entering polyamory and it wasn't because I wanted something serious and committed. I was happy to keep seeing her so long as my legitimate concerns were addressed. If they won't be addressed, then there can be no relationship.

And so now, just a couple of weeks after describing herself as my girlfriend, talking about how we were in a relationship, and allowing me to tell my friends, both vanilla and kinky that I was now involved for the first time in nearly two years, she has decided that she can't continue a relationship with me. That's probably true, and I don't begrudge her that. It would have been nice, however, if she had said so earlier on and spared me the public humiliation of telling people who ask how she is that we have split up just a couple of weeks after getting together.

Kinkycatlady once said "women are insane and don't know what they want." Maitresse had once wondered about what would make me lose my calm demeanour and say something like this. Well this came pretty close.

I have no doubt at all that I am going to be fine. But I doubt I'll be using the word Maitresse again any time soon. I'm giving myself the right to be angry about this for a while. Not forever, but a while.