Things have now thawed in the post split environment. In retrospect it should have been apparent that they would have. We are both reasonable people and we weren't out to hurt each other.

She does feel bad that I was upset by how thing ended. In fact, the fact that things ended wasn't what made me feel upset. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't in a position to give me what I needed in a relationship. I was calling someone Maitresse when she had a tough time taking on the responsibility of what that meant. I expected certain things on both the Maitresse and girlfriend front, and hearing that she wasn't going to give me that made me feel as though I wasn't worth prioritising. In a sense I also felt like I had been manipulated and lied to.

But I know that being a domme is not easy, especially if you're new to it. Now I stand by my contention that if she is going to adopt a dominant title and a matching persona that there are certain responsibilities that come along with that. But I didn't appreciate that being in control of a broken down subbie can take up a lot of your mental and emotional resources and that not everyone is up to breaking people down and putting them back together, certainly not in the early stages of their domme career. She had read my blog, she knew how emotional I was capable of being, and she knew I like being taken apart and lovingly put back together. That's a lot to carry.

It has struck me that for me to really connect with a domme, I think I need to get emotional. I can play in a bottomy way whilst not letting go and enjoy it. But if I am going to play more intensely I need that emotional connection. That's a lot to expect of a new domme, but expect it I did. And I'm not wrong to want it. But I'm not sure if either of us realised how central this was for me at the beginning. If she was going to call herself Maitresse, create and enforce protocols, assign tasks, and create this persona to be used around me, maybe on some level I expected that she was going to take on the emotional heavy lifting too. When that didn't happen, through nobody's fault, I felt betrayed and unappreciated.

At any rate, relations are are thawing nicely. She is a valuable friend, and I'm lucky to have her in my life.

The opinions expressed in this post are not necessarily fair and may not necessarily reflect reality. They are reflective of how I felt at the time of writing and may not reflect my mindset in a calmer time.

Now that I have that out of the way...

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I have no doubt at all that I am going to be fine. But I doubt I'll be using the word Maitresse again any time soon. I'm giving myself the right to be angry about this for a while. Not forever, but a while.

Ok that will be the last pun for this evening.

Maitresse and I had a chat last night, and she mentioned she has a growing interest in polyamory.

I know a few poly people.  I suppose a lot of people assume it's cheating or screwing around or they associate it with fringe religious groups.  I have some understanding of what it is and what it isn't.

All the same, it's not for me.  Managing one relationship is enough for me.  Trying to juggle more than one would overtax my mental resources.  Maitresse may wish to have a relationship with others in addition to me, but I've got no plans to pursue a relationship with anyone else.  After all I've been through and all the new interests I have gained there are still plenty of things that I'm perfectly happy not to take up.

I think I'll be ok so long as I'm valued and respected.  We've already established that neither of us expect what we have will necessarily develop into more, and I find myself in the unusual position of being ok with that.  I know being polyamorous is not carte blanche to treat people badly any more than being being kinky is.  If she treats me as she has so far, I don't think her being poly will bother me.

I'm planning on going to RnR on Friday and to Uber Noir at the end of the month.

I've been to a few kink events now and I expect this will continue.  So it has struck me that I may have to expand my wardrobe.

Generally I've gone to events where there is a dress code in one of two ways.  I've either gone dressed all in black, generally with a black singlet, or as a Spartan.  I'm happy with these options overall, but it would be good to have more.

Going over the top with all kinds of elaborate kink gear is not really my style.  But I think I will build things slowly.

Any thoughts?  Any suggestions?

There was some big horse race on Tuesday.  The Melbourne... something or other.

Earlier that same morning, my father flew in from Canada for a couple of weeks.  We wound up driving around the northern beaches with a guest who was in Australia for the first time and settled in for lunch at a local pub that was being frequented by a lot of patrons who were clearly dressed for the races.

This kind of occasion can be good for kinky people like me in that it gives one the chance to indulge in a spot of vanilla fetish spotting.  There were plenty of kinky heels that would not have looked out of place at R&R or Hellfire or the like.  We talked briefly about racing (none of us were really interested in it) before the conversation strayed towards the impractical and perilous shoes being worn by some of the women in attendance.  Dad said he couldn't imagine how they walk around in those things, before adding "of course, I don't object that they wear them.  Not. At. All."

I've heard it said that there are two groups of people who never have sex.  Your parents and your children.  Dad and I never talk about anything personal let alone kinky.  (I told mum last Christmas and she said she was going to tell him, but even if he knows about me being kinky we will never speak about it with each other, which suits both of us just fine.)

Still, I thought to myself "Were my father and I siimultaneously having a perve?"

He's my father.  He's 65.  Why does this surprise me?  He's a red blooded heterosexual man.  Why shouldn't he have a perve?

OK, so maybe it's not something for the WHOLE family, but it was an amusing moment shared between a father and son separated by 33 years.

I'm not very goth.  The fact that I went to a goth club last night doesn't change that.

If it wasn't for Maitresse appearing in a fashion parade I wouldn't have gone.  (I did wear black though.)

But the charms of industrial goth punk are, I must confess, lost on me.  I don't know why the singer felt the need to scream and swear at me constantly.  As far as I know I've never done anything to him.  And when he screamed at the assembled throng to "make some f*cking noise!!!!!!" I felt the need to point out to Mitzi that he was making enough noise for me and remained pleasantly quiet.

After the screamer declared that he hoped we all died, they converted the stage and the fashion parade was on.  Maitresse was a highlight.  For some reason I've decided not to say what she wore but it made an impression on everyone.

Afterwards we went into the over 18s section.  I was disappointed.  It was an Uber event, but with the exception of a St Andrew's Cross in the corner where some flogging was done, I found it was not very kink focussed space.  There was music blasting out at what was (for me) an unpleasant volume.  There was a lot of people crowding into my personal space.  There was a lot of stimulus that put me in an uncomfortable headspace.  I'm not a club kind of guy.  R&R I like, because there is an explicitly kink focus to the whole space.  This had a dash of kink, but it mostly made me feel as though I was being screamed at.  I've never been to Hellfire, and if it's like last night's event, I don't think I'm missing anything.  I know some people (including friends of mine) enjoy it, but it was swiftly sending me into aspie stress territory.

The strange thing is that it was a good night overall.  I was happy to go for no other reason than because Maitresse was in the fashion parade.  It was something that she was involved in and so I wanted to be there for it.  Even if it wasn't my kind of scene (something about which I was warned before I committed to going) it was good to be there with friends.  Maitresse has come to rugby related events with me.  They were things that may not have interested her in themselves, but she still came.  (Or maybe she just likes seeing me crashing into big guys in shorts.  That may be a more plausible explanation.)

(It was still a space that had active kink going on.  I did see Maitresse get flogged and tied up.  I'd never seen her in a kink context where she was bottoming.  Some people say it's strange to see someone who has topped you taking a flogging or being tied up, but it didn't feel strange to me at all.)

I've only ever used a safeword once.

It was in my first ever session.  I recall asking to use a different safeword than their standard "mercy" because at the time I liked the psychodrama of begging for mercy and having her laugh at me.  Hey, I was all angsty and guilt ridden back then.

So when she decided to use a crop on my balls, on the first stroke I convulsed.  On the second I said "red" and she stopped and continued with the rest of the session not breaking character or calling attention to my use of the safeword.

In all the playing I've done since then, I've never used one.  In fact, I've never really discussed it.

For the record, I think safewords are a good thing, especially if you are in a scenario where roleplaying is happening.  But my play these days doesn't involve that.  In all the playing I've done with Mistress Jadis, she and I have never even discussed it.

That's not to say things are unsafe between us.  On a number of occasions she has slowed down or stopped what she was doing because she could see I was struggling.  I have reached a point where I was physically unable to stand and felt literally propelled to the floor, and if I get in a hysterical state (which happens a lot for various reasons) she guides me through it and takes great care to ensure that I'm ok.

I also know that if I ever asked her to stop, she would.  It's not a matter of saying a safeword or speaking in code.  If I had reached my limit for some reason that she couldn't know, all I would have to do would be to ask her to stop.

When speaking to Maitresse last night, she brought up the subject of safewords.  It seems that she wants to introduce a safeword and that she wants me to use it.

I know of some dommes who make it their goal to make subs safeword.  They aren't happy unless it happens.  I like when a domme takes me close to the limit and gets me in an intense headspace, but I prefer them to know when to stop rather than asking them to stop.  I was a bit worried that she wanted to go full on every time and go from zero to extreme flogging in short order to play a game of "speed safewording".  That's not what she wants.

She wants (as she told me last night) to know where "the wall" is.  She wants to go with me to the wall, touch it, and turn back so that we both know it exists.

As a new domme, she wants to be sure she will be able to stop doing horrible things when a safeword is used.

She wants me to be expressive and tell her how I am doing (both when playing in a kinky context, and in vanilla settings.)  I can be difficult to read at times.  This is in part because of the Asperger's, and she wants me to use the safeword if I am feeling aspie stress for some reason too.

Finally, she wants to be able to use it herself, in the event that she is uneasy with something or unsure about how I am.

So we introduced safewords.  It will take some time to get used to the idea, but I already used the partial safewords last night.  Touching at a time of aspie stress when I was very aware of my body?  Yellow.  Orange.

No red yet.  One day, not as part of a planned activity, I suspect we will get there.

After a time of sparse blog posts suddenly I seem to be full of things to say!

At the party last weekend I was asked if I wanted to attend the Femdom Tea Party.  It is pretty much what it sounds like, and it will involve a number of ladies sitting down to tea and assorted treats, which will be served by the men, all of whom wil be naked save for aprons.

I was uneasy with the idea.

Nudity isn't a big deal for me.  Countless trips to the communal sauna at the fishing lodge every other summer night as a boy seems to have had an effect on me.  I wear nothing in my sessions, I have no problems being naked around the house (when I'm alone that is), and the whole CFNM thing doesn't bother me.  I don't find nudity to be especially humiliating.

It took me a while to sort out why I felt uneasy.  Perhaps uncertainty about protocol was part of it.  I never thought I was that particular about titles, but I may be more particular than I thought.  At an avowedly femdom event, it seems like it would be a breach of protocol not to use appropriate titles.

I recall a friend saying that he has been given a blanket dispensation to play with others, but that when doing so they must be happy with being addressed as "Miss."  If they insist on "Mistress" then there is no play.  For him, Mistress is a special title not to be used to address strangers.  He reserves it for addressing his Mistress and other dommes that he knows well.

I'm not sure if I'm that strict, but I'm certainly not cavalier about the title.  I've heard of people who roll up to their first event or post a profile on Fetlife and insist on being called by lofty and grand titles.  I always try to be polite, but I struggle with using the term "Mistress" in reference to people I've just met or with whom I've not shared any experiences.  Likewise, I'm not wild about being called "slave" by people whom I don't know.

I may be overinflating the importance of titles in as much as they pertain to the upcoming tea party.  Maybe it wouldn't even be an issue.  But it seems that the title issue is a subset of another larger issue.

I think I've established that I am fairly choosy about who I submit to.  These days, I prefer a domme to understand who I am and what I'm like (and vice versa) before I submit.  I want to trust them.  When dealing with one or two dommes, that is a fairly easy proposition.  When dealing with a room full of dommes many of whom I don't know and who don't know me, that's a different proposition.  Some dommes may not understand that I don't take well to being mocked or humiliated or spoken down to.  Simply not knowing each other and understanding what makes each other tick would detract from our mutual enjoyment of the experience.

If I were to attend it would be grossly inappropriate to pick and choose who I would serve.  By stepping forward, I would be offering to serve all the dommes there.  I would have given up my free choice of who I offer my service to.

Again, I may be making too much of this.  The event will, I suspect, go off without a hitch and without the awkwardness I've anticipated here.

Perhaps a smaller tea party with people I know and who know me would be a better fit.

I had a dream last week that had an overtly kinky setting.
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I was talking to a work colleague on Thursday of last week.  She knew I was going to a party with some friends who were driving down from Sydney for the occasion, and she asked what kind of a party it was.

For a couple of seconds I froze.  What to say?  Playing this with a dead bat (a cricket term for you non sporty types) wold have been easy enough, but this was someone I trusted, and I felt comfortable with her knowing about my secret life (or at least about the existence of my secret life.)  Besides, lying is a lot of work for me.

I know there is always a risk that goes with telling people that you're kinky.  There are plenty of people I know and whom I consider to be friends who I wouldn't tell because I'm not sufficiently confident they would understand.  I still believe that people are becoming more understanding about kink, but the risk is high if you happen to tell someone who isn't.

Additionally, I know that there are additional risks that come with telling work associates.  I'm not doing anything that would compromise my job, and given the work relationship between the two of us I would be safe even if she did find it offensive.  (We're in entirely different offices and employed through.)  Still, professional problems could result, and I don't want to be known as "the kinky wierdo" around the workplace.

But this is a friend of mine outside of work too, and spinning out a convenient lie would mean I was holding something back from someone I trust.  I do that with some people.  It's a judgement call.  It's a calculated risk.

So having thought all of that in the space of three or four seconds.  I prefaced things by saying this wasn't something to be spoken of to anyone else, and simply said that the party I was going to was going to have a lot of kinky people there and that I had some kinky friends.  No details about the various sordid things I've done, just a little disclosure.

Apparently she has some kinky friends of her own in Melbourne and is kink friendly.

So far everyone I have told has been fine. Of course, I've not told that many people.  I've been quite choosy about who I talk to about kink.  One day I may misread someone, but that day hasn't come yet.

There was a party at the kinky farm yesterday.  Maitresse, Miss Lis, and Mitzi had come down from Sydney for the occasion and there was a pretty good turnout including quite a few new people and quite a few who had come down from Sydney.

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All in all, it was a good weekend.

I've recently discovered cracked.com and this article was recently highlighted there.  Go ahead and read it.  I'll wait.

Done?

It is not my intention to mock things that others may be into.  There are things listed in there that some people might be into in the fetish community, but some of those sex tips just seemed made up.

At any rate, I wouldn't advise any woman to try anything on that list without talking to the man in their life first.  Just as I would advise against suddenly pulling out a flogger on anyone in flagrante delicto, I would advise against showering a man with pepper mid coitus or pulling out his pubic hair as part of foreplay unless you already know he's into that.

I've not posted for a while.  My excuse is that I've been busy.  I think it's pretty watertight but I suspect that some people who read this blog would prefer the "lazy" explanation.  Mostly so they would have a pretext to do terrible things.

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I turned 32 on Saturday.  One of my work colleagues thought I didn't look 32, but there you have it.

One of the benefits for me that comes from living in Australia is the fact that the first Monday in October is a holiday, so I always have a long weekend on or near my birthday.  I took the opportunity to spend the long weekend in Sydney.

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And it was a tiring day overall.  Perhaps I'm getting old.

I've just finished watching a doco on body building and what they called "muscle worship."

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But all the same I'm going to keep going to the gym.  If nothing else, I'm told muscle is good as a target for flogging!

It has been said that when it comes to being touched, I react like a cat.

In general being tactile is good for me.  When playing, when cuddling, touching really suits me.

Today, however, it didn't.
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At least now I have a better sense of what's going on.

Well actually I can.

I just had a tooth taken out.  Here are some things the dentist noted.

1) I'm not squeamish about needles.
2) I've got a very strong jaw.  (Perhaps I should take up boxing.)
3) I've got stubborn teeth that don't like moving.
4) I'm a very well behaved patient.

Now Mistress Jadis could have told him about the needles.  I've never been spooked by needles.  Of course, she could also have told him I am capable of working myself into hysterics.  All in all, however, it was pretty tame compared to a session.  Perhaps all my playing in Carisbrook makes dental work easier to tolerate.

Unfortunately neither the dentist nor the nurse were dressed in fetish medical outfits.  Sorry, did I say unfortunately?  I meant to say luckily.

Perhaps sessions could be covered by my health insurance.  And perhaps I can take the day off work after a session.  You know, to recover.  I must look into this.

One reader of this blog saw this live.  For the rest of you, I present the three guys from my rugby team who upstaged a strip show.

Everyone knows that it is virtually impossible for subbie guys to find dommey women to play with.  I mean, it's a truism.  It's a law of nature.  It's as real and unavoidable as gravity.

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So the lesson is if you want to play, first make friends.